Contra Costa Times- Your Turn: Financial and parenting crisis related

The bubble inflated. Rules were loose, credit was easy, dreams were big and the hype was huge. Then one day it popped and it was all gone. Today we stand neck deep in the mess, digging our way out while trying to get back on solid ground. This is the boom and bust of the financial crisis and also describes a kind of parenting that blossomed in those bubble times. The days of inflated buying brought inflated parenting where indulgence was hot and appropriate limits were not.

Those who ascribe to inflated parenting say, "WE have a history test on Monday", get second graders dressed for school, act as alarm clocks for teenagers, get overly involved with kids social lives, negotiate more playing time with coaches and better grades with teachers.

Now that the bubble has burst, parents find themselves needing to get their financial security and family lives back on track. The old reality was about securing tomorrow's future on today's credit, the challenge ahead is to recalibrate values to match a new reality. Inflated parenting made the assumption that doing for kids (or hiring someone to do it for them) would build equity. Before long, the theory went, the investment in children would pay dividends and kids would perform in accordance with parents' hopes and dreams.

The theory of inflated parenting proved no more viable than the financial bubble that collapsed last year. Parents were scrambling to accumulate stuff without substance. What they were not taking into account were appropriate expectations and experiences that children need for healthy development.

We are emerging from a time with a mindset of "If I can then I should." Easy credit brought easy indulgence and an attitude about parenting to match. Now that we have arrived at the inevitable crash, it is time to make some changes and the answers are the same for both family and financial security:

Don't undervalue the values- Value your child's ability to figure things out. For example, let them turn in imperfect school work. Teachers will then be able see your child's strengths and challenges and know how to best support his or her learning.

Don't overvalue assets- It's not about the trophy and its not about great grades. Sure assets are important, but only as symbols of the hard work, determination, discipline and pride that went into a job well done. When parents over involve themselves to insure that everything is an A+, assets become inflated, vulnerabilities are overlooked and expectations are based on image rather than true ability.

Say 'No'- In the bubble times, credit cards and easy mortgages allowed spending beyond actual means, parents passed this mentality onto kids and 'no' became something that can (and therefore should) be negotiated. Inflated parenting lost sight of common sense, making decisions based on the big picture, weighing the impact on others and then making the sound choice -- which is often 'no'.

Now that the lending and credit policies have tightened up, families have no choice but to spend responsibly. For parents, this includes tightening up your parenting policies, clarifying your principles and being realistic with kids about how much you are going to do for them and what they need to do for themselves. This should be seized as an opportunity to get family life back on track, to right size inflated parenting and the role parents play in their kids’ lives.

Published 10/31/2009